Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’