Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
#DesignFail
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Good dog. ❤️
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Tastes like chicken.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
March 16
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it