Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
As the Lord intended
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.