@sweetmissashley

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

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@AndreTheViking

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •


@HushJared

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@DirtMcTurd

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

@IQuitWriting

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@UncleDuke1969

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@Beerhaze

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.