I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem