There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
So creative 😂
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston