Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Sounds like a bargain