Sounds like a bargain
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.