2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.