Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
You Might Also Like
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Hmm, not sure about this change
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The Compass
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.