The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me trying to reach for my goals
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).