Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I cannot call her anything else now
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.