As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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Put this video in the Louvre
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know