The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*