WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator