If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
This could be us… but you playing
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.