Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Sending in my taxes
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.