I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
emergency phone
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*