“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?