When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You Might Also Like
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child