Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.