So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!