It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
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If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.