My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
You Might Also Like
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Stop sending me this shit.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back