@ajax06

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

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@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@xlpaws

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

@ParaJanitor

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@WilliamAder

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

@phranqueigh

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

@seamussaid

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

@jjhartinger

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.