@CarpeAngela “I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
@ajax06 My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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@CarpeAngela 
@xlpaws I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
@ParaJanitor The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
@PoodleSnarf Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
@kathwilliamsuk Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
@kirkfox I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
@WilliamAder Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
@phranqueigh “You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
@seamussaid I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
@jjhartinger him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.