My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
yea so i messed up lol
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.