My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink


I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.


“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”


I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains


him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.