Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You Might Also Like
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*