A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

You Might Also Like


Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so


Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!


Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!


Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.


Amazon review: Amazon river

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.


I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.


Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?


*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.