Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Amazon review: Amazon river
DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.