@cheeky__gal

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

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@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

@AmishSuperModel

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

@Jeffwni

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

@joeislamo

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

@WienerToboggan

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.