A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
You deplete me
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.