If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.