[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You Might Also Like
It’s an epidemic…
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.