Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please