Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
it’s finally my moment to shine
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
#JohnTravolta
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.