High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
this is so top tier i cant
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
This is my brand.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.