When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”