You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
You Might Also Like
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.