I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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More like Kate Missington.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.