I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Rather alarming headline…
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*checks Timeline*…
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
the composer
Bless you
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues