Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Interior design 👌
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it