Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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Simple
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
looks legit
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.