I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…