“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Google assistant rules
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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