My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Put this video in the Louvre
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”