Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My what?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.