So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch