If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
marvel comics have peaked
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.