Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
the world’s most popular steaming services
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it