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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.