Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.