You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
😂🤣😂🤣
We found love in a hopeless place.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.