MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I was just discussing this with my cat
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.