When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Made something I’m not proud of
Love this guy
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Feels like there should be a middle ground
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.