My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.