When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
This a good idea
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other