*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.